The one that got away

I don't really want to talk about love coz it's already overrated pero I can't deny that still right now I'm not moving on, the pain is still there embracing my heart with an open hand of anger...

and if only words and time can be turned back perhaps there will definitely be a BIG difference..

but then that's life, and we have to face it.

I don't know why I still have this feeling of anger, blaming everything to myself..

what did i do??? nagmahal lang naman ako ng totoo...

I did everything to save the realtionship.. pero wala...

and now.. I wanna scream, shout, throw away things.. I wanna CRY..

I want to CRY...CRY...CRY...

but I just CAN'T...

Keeping all these feelings inside, all bottled up and nowhere to go.. NOBODY CARES...

Leaving me stilled with brazened scars of utter confussion, outright frustration,

total REJECTION...

Nobody knows what I feel and How I feel...

Nobody seems to care...

I think I just have to push the pain and hurt everything all inside, AGAIN and AGAIN...

SMILE.. put a happy face...

as if nothing happens.....

maybe she doesn't deserve somebody like me...

The Danger of Perverted Anger

Someone provoked you, someone close to your heart. You felt blood rushing through your head; your heart palpitates, You wanted to use strong language, shout and throw away things. It was anger that you felt...

Anger... not a dangerous as it is yet fatal when kept. How well do you handle your anger? Do you know what happens the moment you degide to let it pass? You're not throwing it as garbage, as you might think. You keep it down there. It stays in your system, greates poisons that will segretly ruin you emotionally, psychologically and later physically. What kinds of poison that drug addicts, alcoholics, reckless drivers or rapist in the system. It maybe that kind that nobody can notice, not even you. Yet there isn't much assurance that it won't harm you eventually.

Dr. Robin Describe about 20 poisons produced by perverted anger but I will just name a few.. the common ones if i may say:

Anxiety and Depression
These go side by side; the major poisons. These are sometimes caused by a recent problem, failure, loss of loved one and so on but a Big deposite of anger in your system (termed slush bank by Dr. Rubin) is the one sustaining such odd feelings. These will strike you anytime, anyday and just anywhere with a doom feeling that sometimes you bleed for no reasons.

Overeating, Oversleeping, Overworking
I sometimes notice that i take a lot of food when anger just passed me by. According to Dr. Rubin, some people would rather use their mouth in eating than expressing their anger.
Maybe that's why I find it so hard to slim down..
Other would sleep more than usual and make it a self-imposed anesthesia. This is to escape self-flagellation.
For some, burrowing their head to paperwork would serve the prupose (good for employees!)

Chronic Anticipation/Unhealthy regression
Too much worries for the future, even for tonight's date ot for the weekend's picnic, and dwelling painfully in the past are two signs that unexpressed anger has been polluting your thoughts.

Self-Sabotage
Are you prone to sickness, or accident? Do you have this forgetfulness problem (though you're still in a very young age?) Do you think that you don't deserve this or that you're just a nobody? well, fellows, you have this kind of poison in your body. Self-pity would eat you alive.

Blatant Blasting
People with this posison use vulgar words and they just love to insult people. They would appreciate a thing with a but in a sentence. " That dress is nice, but it doesn't fit you right..

Subtle-Sabotage
I identify myself with this type, a joker, an ice breaker, smiling person. Anger is kept pretending "It didn't affect me in anyway" look I'm still smiling." The great pretender that is, but when alone... just imagine it.

These poisons may not be directly caused by perverted anger. As mentioned earlier, the slush bank is the one sustaining them and making things even more complicated. These are reversible though; one should just recognize the type of poison present and accept that as an unhealty attitude over anger.I am a victim myself. I always had this "vacuum" inside me. Vacuum- for me is the best temr to use to describe that feeling of emptiness which you can never explain why it exist. I have been ignoring it through subtle-sabotage but I really can't escape it.
Everytime I get in touch with myself, it's still there and it really sucks. I ended up feeling confused, ran out of energy and finally gave-up. It was a painful experience. And this I am sharing with you so you maybe healed as well and not wait for the time when you will spend much effort , suffer much pain and lose yourself.

It's so ironic that Christmas is fast approaching and I am here promoting anger. But don't you think I am revealing what true love is? Unconciously, we all have this fear of expressing our anger because we do not want to hurt people especially our loved ones. We are so afraid to lose them, yet we are not aware that keeping that anger would poison us and our relationship with others. We eventually will lose our loved ones as we permanently lose ourselves. So are we really expressing love when we don't express anger? We just prevent a momentarily pressure but we actually creat ea deeper wound in our hearts, in our live. Loving doesn't mean showing only the good side of you. It is faking when you do so. Love exist where there is honesty. Love understand and so we must not also stop somebody from showing his anger towards us but rather accpet it. Let us cultivate a healthy anger without violence or bitterness.

Anger, let us remember, is a feeling needed to be expresses and not to be kept.

(inspired by: The Angry Book (Theodore Isaac Rubin M.D)

Bawal na Pag-ibig

Gano nga ba kasarap ang isang bawal na pag-ibig?

Ngunit pano nga ba mapipigilan ito?

Hanggang saan, Hanggang kailan maitatago ang isang bawal na Pag-ibig?

Pano nagawa ng isang puso ang magmahal ulit habang may minamahal ito?

Sino nga ba ang sisisihin?

Sa bawat ligaya at pananabik na nadarama ng isa't isa habang magkasama, masasabi mo ba na ito ay isang kasalanan?

ito ba ay matatawag nating isang Pag-ibig o isang Libog lamang?

O hayaan nalang natin silang maging masaya habang may ibang tao na niloloko nila?

Matatawag ba nating isang panloloko ang pag-ibig na nararamdaman ng bawat isa?

Ano ba ang dapat sundin? ang nararamdaman ng isang tao o ang iisipin ng ibang tao kung sakaling lumabas ang isyong ito.