message received

I thought everything was pretty smooth after all, I was fixing my bed and preparing myself to take a bath, charging my phone while browsing some old pictures.. Digging some old stuff trying to separate those things from her that made me reminded of her.. suddenly I received a message, when I checked, it was just a number and a quote goes like this:

“Normal day,
let me be aware of the treasure you are.
Let me learn from you,
love you,
bless you before you depart.
Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.
Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.
One day I shall dig my nails into the earth,
or bury my face in the pillow,
or stretch myself taut,
or raise my hands to the sky and want,
more than all the world,
your return

Sh*t WTF... yon ang lumabas sa bibig ko.. it was the quote I sent to her a long long time ago, it was the day I started to realized that she was evading me, that we rarely see each other, I'll try not to deal about the quote, kasi nga I don't want to prolong the agony, tama na pero napatigil ako sa ginagawa ko eh and thinking what If?

Things still lingering on my mind..

What if, she was the one texted me that night...

What if, she wanted me to come back in her life?

Do you think she was the one texted me, or baka naman wala lang gusto nya lang i-forward ang message.

What do you think?

lesson afterwards...

Lately, its been so hard for me to go on with my life, though I know its over. I just realized that being single is not about being alone, its not that you don't have somebody but its about making a definite and correct decisions after all you've gone through and I always bear that in my mind every time I fell into a melancholy mood.

wow!!! I never thought that I got this stupid and one sided feelings over... cheers!

One thing I've learned was that "never beg someone to stay beside you against their will" and thats so true. When we say love, it should be two people or both party feel the same way,

and its not one sided love affair, and if that's the situation, Let go! don't expect that things will be alright,
you kno why? kasi: anong ipaglalaban mo? isang pag-ibig na ikaw lang ang nakadama?

will you able to give everything to her for the sake of love? I know everyone will do just to let them stay.

what if she ask you about "Letting go" will you grant that simple thing?

I guess what we really need is that, we don't need to give 100% of our love to them, I think 50-50 is enough I mean 50% for her 50 % for your self, so that when love fail, you can easily pick yourself up from resentment, although your heart is shattered but still complete.

"we pass this way but only once therefore any good thing that we can do and any kindness that we can show lets do it now for we shall not pass this way again"

Leaving you soon

Now things are not what they used to be, still waiting, hoping for us to be together, How stupid am I..
I am not really looking at the big picture, I guess we're not really meant for each other,

too much for hoping, wishing... enough is enough. we have to put an end to this love we thought no one would dare to destroy..

So I will make this last reminsce, for I will leave it all behind, finding a place to unwind, hoping things will be fine, It's time for me to release you in my heart, 3yrs of hoping, I guess it's enough.

So I have to face this world alone for now., til' someone fills the emptiness inside my heart of love, joy and everlasting love, and make her the one, I could tell my unbroken vow.

Leaving you soon , it is better that way, for you are fine in your life with him anyway.
I will continue on with my life without you, I know there's someone special in waiting for me too,

I'm just glad that you are making a progress with your life... I will too..

Pains of Parting

How unpredictable life really is

No one has ever known to resist its flows
Bridging each one of us to unlikely pace
and always hurting deep down inside our losses

Why can't it be?
Why is there a Friend to say goodbye?
Why our memories intrude by time?

I was really hurt my friend
when all of a sudden, we parted our ways
I lost you!
when tears of loneliness, can't hold on
that's why my life change and run empty

Yes my friend
That's how I treasured our friendship
That's how sad I am to have you no more
I can't work it out much longer
It's getting harder.

Even in my dreams lost its magic to reach you
yet I know its over
To create our past memorable happiness
Is so easy to linger in my mind
Cause it's only out time that we find ceasing
But I have been continuously dreaming
That someday, somehow we can be together
cause I miss you

facts about fuck

1. When a guy born, we were given a choice - A big dick or a good memory.

hmmmm I don't remember what I chose.

2. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings....'

5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

8. Virginity can be cured.

9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.

10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

11. I tried phone sex once but the holes in the dialer were too small.

12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing.

15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife doesn't.

16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Longing...

It was really late that night,

Feeling empty, lonely, no one beside me.

In the dew with a full shout awakening,
pressing down the grasses
My loneliness pressing me down
while silent tears falling on its own.

I write your name...
In a faint starlight only stones gleam.
My thoughts long ago turned from you
but then you vanished without traces.

Suddenly at sunrise awake me..
I see none but only white fog rising..
Tears continue to fall when I knew I lost you..

I long to merge with the boundless dazzling far-away clouds in the sky
to comfort and soothe this loneliness because of you..

I see you rarely.. No more now..

Please let us meet.. My dear I miss you
I tried to pick myself closer
to breathe the air that you breath
to listen the hymn you crooned
to know why you refuse, do you?

Are you leaving me?
down the long and dusty roads?

When do you have time for me?
when do I know, that You're always there.
when do I need to tell myself
that I don't need you,
that I don't want you around..
for it's in you, a true Love I found...

I cried almost all the time,
I want you to know about that, but you're deaf!

when will be your eyes start staring at me
your mouth to speak..

You're the one giving me courage and strength to overcome obstacle.
You tell me not to quit, when I'm almost halfway there..
You hold my hands to let me feel,
that we will always be together no matter what

Your smile that brighten up my days
It simply lift my heart.

I want to tell you this..
I do like your crinkling eyes
They tell me "its alright"
I wish to bring you back
from where you stopped.

But all in uttered silence..

I am locked up in the dark room
I cried out... and shout
I miss you.. I miss you.. I miss you so much
when will you be with me?

I want to know,

Do you still love me?

because I love you so much..


(this is my entry for E[kwento]MO)

Arbitrary thoughts

It was October 20th 2006 when you left for states,

Two days after my birthday,
I remember that vividly.
Tears fell!!
I just can't hide the feeling,
that its hurting me so much..
Deep inside, my heart beat so fast,
I'll try to be calm..
But then I tremble still with so much fear...

Fear of being alone...
Fear of losing someone that I love.. so much..

I'm so tired that I can't sleep
I'm so tired that almost every night
I hugged my pillow tight
I'm so tired that all I can do is hoping and wishing

and wanting you here beside me forever

Are you flirt?

Do you have any idea How GUYS/GALS flirt?

A friend of mine forward this to me through email and Perhaps It will help you and I'm sharing this with you guys and gals....

HOW GUYS FLIRT:

1. He stares at you a lot.

2. He hits you a lot. (just play hitting )

3. He uses the first thing that pops into his head to start a conversation with you.

4. He yelled, "Hi!", to your mum that day she picked you up from school.

5. He blew off his buds to go see "Brown Sugar" with you cuz you couldn't get another girl pal to go and didn't want to go alone.

6. He tries to make you laugh anyway even if he gets hurt in the process.

7. His voice gets softer when ever you two talk.

8. You hung up on him. He called you back.

9. You were invited by him to a group outing.

10. He called you to talk about nothing at all.

11. He imitates your laugh. OK, you do laugh PRETTY LOUD. Which makes you laugh even harder...

12. He remembers little things you mention in casual conversation.

13. He sometimes stares straight into your eyes.

14. He uses every possible way to touch you (your hair, face, thighs, KNEES, ect.)

HOW GIRLS FLIRT:

1.She calls you by your full name not just a nick name.

2. She hits you softly on the arm and laughs when you say something funny.

3. She flips her hair when she's talking to you.

4. She touches your arm when she talks to you.

5. She says, "No, I'm not telling you who I like!" with a big smile on her face.

6. She asks you who you like or who you would go out with seemingly interested.

7. When you go to the movies with a bunch of your friends and she is almost always next to you.

8. She criticizes you on a girl you like.

9. You catch her staring at you.

10. She plays with your hair or tries to put make up on you.

11. Her friends outside of school and in school know about you, and says she talks about you a lot.

12. She knows your phone number and address. ( stalker much? )

13. She will try and talk, and spend time with you as much as possible.

Impracticable plan

Last night while writing some stuff and thinking of what would be the best issue to tackle here, I was kinda confuse. and pause for a moment to imagine a possible sensible topic... kaso wala talaga pumasok sa isip ko eh.
It's my personal blog, so I realize I have to write what is/was happening to me or any unfortunate events or any future events.. it could be love hmmm (here we go again), pain, happiness, struggles and achievements.

after that...

I struggle of falling back into sleep, thoughts begins to occupy my mind.....
sad to say they are not happy thoughts and I'd like to think they are not bad either,
the truth is I dont really want to enterpret them in any way,

it's just that I feel sad..

I wonder why?

Lately, loneliness always hitting me up for no reason at all.
It means I don't have decent sleep almost everynight, so I spend a lot of time in blogging.

There comes a time when you are tired of giving meaning in many things.
Have you ever experience feeling alone in a crowd and find yourself wishing you are in another place in another time?

I find myself doing that a lot in recent weeks,

I wanted to see the ocean...
I wanted to run in an endless beach and wet my feet in gentle rolling water...

It's the best thing, playing in the ocean alone...
I wanted to hear the sea in its natural sound...

The lapping of the waves against the sand.. time is when there is nothing matters,
when you can just sit all day..

or do the things you like to do, never worry about the future or what do people thinks about you
when you can be yourself and treat life as a never ending adventure like a music born out of lullaby tune.

well, I will try to sleep, I will try to be calm,
I hope this thoughts will come true one of this days...

smile at me. tnx

The one that got away

I don't really want to talk about love coz it's already overrated pero I can't deny that still right now I'm not moving on, the pain is still there embracing my heart with an open hand of anger...

and if only words and time can be turned back perhaps there will definitely be a BIG difference..

but then that's life, and we have to face it.

I don't know why I still have this feeling of anger, blaming everything to myself..

what did i do??? nagmahal lang naman ako ng totoo...

I did everything to save the realtionship.. pero wala...

and now.. I wanna scream, shout, throw away things.. I wanna CRY..

I want to CRY...CRY...CRY...

but I just CAN'T...

Keeping all these feelings inside, all bottled up and nowhere to go.. NOBODY CARES...

Leaving me stilled with brazened scars of utter confussion, outright frustration,

total REJECTION...

Nobody knows what I feel and How I feel...

Nobody seems to care...

I think I just have to push the pain and hurt everything all inside, AGAIN and AGAIN...

SMILE.. put a happy face...

as if nothing happens.....

maybe she doesn't deserve somebody like me...

The Danger of Perverted Anger

Someone provoked you, someone close to your heart. You felt blood rushing through your head; your heart palpitates, You wanted to use strong language, shout and throw away things. It was anger that you felt...

Anger... not a dangerous as it is yet fatal when kept. How well do you handle your anger? Do you know what happens the moment you degide to let it pass? You're not throwing it as garbage, as you might think. You keep it down there. It stays in your system, greates poisons that will segretly ruin you emotionally, psychologically and later physically. What kinds of poison that drug addicts, alcoholics, reckless drivers or rapist in the system. It maybe that kind that nobody can notice, not even you. Yet there isn't much assurance that it won't harm you eventually.

Dr. Robin Describe about 20 poisons produced by perverted anger but I will just name a few.. the common ones if i may say:

Anxiety and Depression
These go side by side; the major poisons. These are sometimes caused by a recent problem, failure, loss of loved one and so on but a Big deposite of anger in your system (termed slush bank by Dr. Rubin) is the one sustaining such odd feelings. These will strike you anytime, anyday and just anywhere with a doom feeling that sometimes you bleed for no reasons.

Overeating, Oversleeping, Overworking
I sometimes notice that i take a lot of food when anger just passed me by. According to Dr. Rubin, some people would rather use their mouth in eating than expressing their anger.
Maybe that's why I find it so hard to slim down..
Other would sleep more than usual and make it a self-imposed anesthesia. This is to escape self-flagellation.
For some, burrowing their head to paperwork would serve the prupose (good for employees!)

Chronic Anticipation/Unhealthy regression
Too much worries for the future, even for tonight's date ot for the weekend's picnic, and dwelling painfully in the past are two signs that unexpressed anger has been polluting your thoughts.

Self-Sabotage
Are you prone to sickness, or accident? Do you have this forgetfulness problem (though you're still in a very young age?) Do you think that you don't deserve this or that you're just a nobody? well, fellows, you have this kind of poison in your body. Self-pity would eat you alive.

Blatant Blasting
People with this posison use vulgar words and they just love to insult people. They would appreciate a thing with a but in a sentence. " That dress is nice, but it doesn't fit you right..

Subtle-Sabotage
I identify myself with this type, a joker, an ice breaker, smiling person. Anger is kept pretending "It didn't affect me in anyway" look I'm still smiling." The great pretender that is, but when alone... just imagine it.

These poisons may not be directly caused by perverted anger. As mentioned earlier, the slush bank is the one sustaining them and making things even more complicated. These are reversible though; one should just recognize the type of poison present and accept that as an unhealty attitude over anger.I am a victim myself. I always had this "vacuum" inside me. Vacuum- for me is the best temr to use to describe that feeling of emptiness which you can never explain why it exist. I have been ignoring it through subtle-sabotage but I really can't escape it.
Everytime I get in touch with myself, it's still there and it really sucks. I ended up feeling confused, ran out of energy and finally gave-up. It was a painful experience. And this I am sharing with you so you maybe healed as well and not wait for the time when you will spend much effort , suffer much pain and lose yourself.

It's so ironic that Christmas is fast approaching and I am here promoting anger. But don't you think I am revealing what true love is? Unconciously, we all have this fear of expressing our anger because we do not want to hurt people especially our loved ones. We are so afraid to lose them, yet we are not aware that keeping that anger would poison us and our relationship with others. We eventually will lose our loved ones as we permanently lose ourselves. So are we really expressing love when we don't express anger? We just prevent a momentarily pressure but we actually creat ea deeper wound in our hearts, in our live. Loving doesn't mean showing only the good side of you. It is faking when you do so. Love exist where there is honesty. Love understand and so we must not also stop somebody from showing his anger towards us but rather accpet it. Let us cultivate a healthy anger without violence or bitterness.

Anger, let us remember, is a feeling needed to be expresses and not to be kept.

(inspired by: The Angry Book (Theodore Isaac Rubin M.D)

Bawal na Pag-ibig

Gano nga ba kasarap ang isang bawal na pag-ibig?

Ngunit pano nga ba mapipigilan ito?

Hanggang saan, Hanggang kailan maitatago ang isang bawal na Pag-ibig?

Pano nagawa ng isang puso ang magmahal ulit habang may minamahal ito?

Sino nga ba ang sisisihin?

Sa bawat ligaya at pananabik na nadarama ng isa't isa habang magkasama, masasabi mo ba na ito ay isang kasalanan?

ito ba ay matatawag nating isang Pag-ibig o isang Libog lamang?

O hayaan nalang natin silang maging masaya habang may ibang tao na niloloko nila?

Matatawag ba nating isang panloloko ang pag-ibig na nararamdaman ng bawat isa?

Ano ba ang dapat sundin? ang nararamdaman ng isang tao o ang iisipin ng ibang tao kung sakaling lumabas ang isyong ito.